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Office, discussing a deadline at risk. Olek asks Marek for help finding a way out of the situation.
— I don’t know how to solve this without blowing the deadline.
— When I was your age, nobody held our hand. We worked until it was done.
— Right.
Marek wants to help by drawing on his experience. Olek starts hearing a comparison with Marek’s past instead of help with his present problem.
How does Empatyzer support advice without judgement?
Empatyzer helps you see that your own success story can be supportive or sound like "I did it." It also allows you to check when experience helps and when it judges.
Features that can help:
- Comparison: Compares your preferences in areas such as mentoring, your own experience and the perception of the comparison, making it easier to separate the difference in style from ill intent in a "When I was your age" situation.
- Tips: Offer practical guidance for "When I was your age" situations: what to say directly, what could be misunderstood and how to conclude the conversation with clear next steps.
- Talk to Em about a specific person: It helps practice a conversation with a selected person in the situation "When I was your age" and check how the same message might sound in this relationship.
What really happened
Olek comes with a specific problem: the deadline is at risk and he needs help deciding what to give up. Marek wants to help, so he reaches for his own experience. For Marek, the story “I had it hard too and I managed” is meant as support and evidence that the difficulty can be overcome. Olek hears a different message: “I coped at your age, so you should too.” The mentor’s memory starts functioning as a comparison rather than a tool for solving the current problem. The key mistake is that Marek gives advice before establishing what kind of help Olek is actually asking for.
What the research says
Our own experience is highly available to us, which makes it easy to overestimate how well it fits someone else’s situation. Psychology has long shown that people tend to see their own reactions and choices as more typical than they really are — the false consensus effect (Ross, Greene & House, 1977). Research on advice also shows that our own perspective receives disproportionate weight because we know all the reasons behind our own judgment, while knowing much less about the other person’s reasons (egocentric discounting; Yaniv & Kleinberger, 2000). None of this makes personal stories bad. The problem arises when autobiography replaces understanding the other person’s situation.
How to handle it
Before giving advice, ask a simple question: “What do you need from me right now — an idea, a decision, experience from a similar situation, or someone to think through the options with?” If your own story really is relevant, present it as one possibility rather than a standard: “X worked for me once, but your situation may be different. Is any part of that useful here?” The general rule is: a mentor’s experience is a resource, not a measuring stick for someone else’s situation.
How Empatyzer and Em can help
Empatyzer can help Marek use his experience in a way that genuinely helps Olek instead of accidentally turning it into a test of Olek’s maturity. The assessment can show differences in motivators, need for autonomy, and styles of asking for help. Profile comparison lets Em suggest that Marek first ask one short question: “What do you need from me — my experience, a decision, or help choosing among the options?” His story can then become a resource instead of “I managed, so you should too.” Em can also help Olek name the support he needs more precisely. If the same mentoring style appears more broadly, team-level insights can make it visible. Micro-lessons reinforce the rule that the best advice starts by understanding the other person’s problem, not by remembering your own.
Sources
- Ross, L., Greene, D., & House, P. (1977). The “false consensus effect”: An egocentric bias in social perception and attribution processes. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 13(3), 279–301. https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-1031(77)90049-X 10.1016/0022-1031(77)90049-X
- Lee Ross (1977). The Intuitive Psychologist and His Shortcomings: Distortions in the Attribution Process. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 10, 173-220. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60357-3 10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60357-3
- Ilan Yaniv; Eli Kleinberger (2000). Advice taking in decision making: Egocentric discounting and reputation formation. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 83(2), 260-281. https://doi.org/10.1006/obhd.2000.2909 10.1006/obhd.2000.2909
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